Meaning

Wearing a ring of promise,

A token of love
A symbol of us

Will always be a piece of metal,

A useless thing.

Speaking of dreams,

The unexpected circumstances
The unmentionable scenes

Will only be words
Over time, they loose meaning.

Having your hand to hold mine,

Your voice ringing through the still air
Your heart laying so close,
Close enough to feel

Will be everlasting,
Will be everything,
Let it be love.

Paradise Kiss

And so, I’ve been thinking (and I’ve also been typing too loud.) I’m sitting in the library of this “Junior” College and wondering what to make of myself for the next hour and a half. I’m looking at art schools, checking my Facebook and reading up on some Big Bang fan updates. Actually, visiting the Big Bang WordPress is what got me to log onto mine right now. Not that I really have anything worth the time to say. Frankly, I’ve just been thinking because I’m feeling all out of sorts. I do have things that I want to write about but I’m not quite sure where or how I should start. The faster I type, the louder my fingers pound on the keys, and I don’t know if I’m bothering the other computer users. I’m a typing monster.

I really want to attend OTIS in Los Angeles, but I don’t think it’s a possibility for me (financially.) Or at least, that’s what my parents are leading me to believe. Part of me doesn’t mind it, but more of me really just wants to go there: To go to an art school that’s actually worth the ridiculous amount of money you have to pay. I don’t want to go to the ones that are local because of their constant concern with money. And from reading reviews and talking with a few of my friends, these schools don’t even seem to be interested in art. They sound like they’re using the word “art” to hook in budding artists and naive rich kids, just to get what’s in their wallets. As if the life of an artist isn’t difficult already. The career itself is already risky and there’s never really a stable point to look forward to or rely on. To pay X amount of dollars for a gamble is a tough game to play. Then you remember, “Oh, this is just the beginning. I’m still a pon in the first round.”

Maybe I’m being a little critical, or spoiled even. I’ve never been the girl who settled for less and even when I know I have to, I become stubborn and push the limits. It might be foolish, but I persist until I either succeed or crash and burn. And after the destruction, it;s not long until I dust myself off and try again. I have a strong sense of possibility in every situation. I believe in no limits, there’s only hindrances along the way. There’s a purpose to every dream a person creates, if you never reach it or put it on hold; it’s importance starts to vanish. Putting a dream to waste, especially for a dreamer, is absolute suicide. You’ll be seeing life through blank eyes.

I want colour; I want vivid displays of every tint and shade of the rainbow’s spectrum. I will never settle for less than that.

Being in this college, dilutes the colours I’d like to see. Just as being without him, dilutes the brilliant blacks and whites of every day and converts it all into gray. The ugliest shade of gray. If happiness for me lies in these colours, this is what I’ll strive for. This is all I want.

“I’ve already kissed paradise,
And though the taste begins to sting my lips,
I still want more.”

Curious, indeed.

I’ve always had this feeling when I meet certain people or when I see them for the first time.  As if instinct, the first thought that runs through my mind is “You’re going to mean something to me.”  Whether it be important, different or something I didn’t know at the time; I still had that feeling.  I never could really explain it, I just thought that it was just some natural, subconcious impulse.  And I do realize that the people who have come into my life, and that have given me this feeling, have already reassured that it’s true.  I’m sure that everyone’s experienced this at one point or another.  It’s almost the same as looking at another student in class and saying, “I don’t think we’d be friends.”  A little bit like judgment but not as petty.

(So I’m in the school’s library right now, and damn is it loud for a library.)

I can’t really think properly right now, I’m getting distracted by a lot of other thoughts.  But I wanted to touch on this a little bit, since I don’t experience it with everyone I meet.  I only experience it with a certain few.  Maybe even one or two at the most, honestly.  It’s something that’s become very curious to me.

Well, that’s it for now.  I’m going to head back to the cafeteria :]

“Eighteen”

Maybe I should take these things into more consideration; the fact that I’m eighteen, I’m young, and that I have opportunities that I should take advantage of.  But the thing is, I already know all of this.  I’ve already taken all of these things into consideration, and I’ve thought about what I would have to compromise in order for me to keep this mindset.  I would be feeling just as I did when I was a child.  I would feel exactly like a child, if I kept this mindset.

It’s true that I use the age of 18 as a pass to do more independent things.  The reason being, I’ve been wanting this ever since I was young.  I wasn’t reckless, but I just wanted to be free.  I hated the feeling of being kept in, being dependent, feeling trapped.  And I supressed these feelings and kept my mouth shut for so many years.  Even after I tried to express myself in middle school, I realized it wouldn’t make a difference until I was older.  I thought that being 18 would grant me at least the mild amount of freedom I need just to get by.  And I’m still aware of what I’m doing, I’ve never been reckless.  But I still come off as a child who needs guidance because my approach to independence is wrong.

I don’t think that because I want to do this my way, the way I see best for me, it’s wrong.  Every action taken becomes an experience, and I don’t need a hand to hold through every move I make.

I also think that one of the main reasons I like being independent is because I never loose myself.  I can define myself.  And besides independence, individuality has always been another important thing to me.  I’m pretty sure some people look at this and the first word that comes into their mind is, “Selfish”.  I don’t think that having at least this little bit to yourself is considered selfish.  Knowing who you are and where you stand isn’t selfish, it’s something that you should never loose sight of.  Like I’ve said before, you can’t live your life without knowing who you are.

1.) Life would hold no importance to you.
2.) It will feel like time’s been wasted.
3.) You won’t be able to give yourself, if you don’t know how much of you there is.

I love hard.  And from experience, I don’t give that love out easily.  Partially because I haven’t found many people who can appriciate the love I do give to them, and also because I’ve made the mistake of misjudging people and loving them so freely, until it was destructive.  I gave out so much, that in the end there was nothing left for me.  And I thought, maybe this is how it’s supposed to feel because what I feel is real.  But in reality, all of that is bullshit.  If the other person/people you love can’t/don’t love you to the same degree- things will never work.  Sure, there’s always room for change and improvement, but how many people actually do it?  If the love is there, then it’s a given that they’re already changing to adapt to that love.  But the ones that don’t,  there’s the rub.

People are lucky, when they find the person they can adapt with and hold a strong bond with.  Especially over time, I find that to be amazing.  I was telling my cousin the other night how I felt about my relationship with my boyfriend.  That even though it seemed so unlikely to happen, it did.  And now that it has, it feels natural.  I feel lucky.  And just because I’m 18, I don’t want to let go of this feeling.

“Love Story” by, Taylor Swift
We were both young, when I first saw you.
I close my eyes and the flashback starts-
I’m standing there, on a balcony in summer air.

I see the lights; see the party, the ball gowns.
I see you make your way through the crowd-
You say hello, little did I know…

That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles-
And my daddy said “stay away from Juliet”-
And I was crying on the staircase-
begging you please don’t go…
And I said…

Romeo take me somewhere, we can be alone.
I’ll be waiting; all there’s left to do is run.
You’ll be the prince and I’ll be the princess,
It’s a love story, baby, just say yes.

So I sneak out to the garden to see you.
We keep quiet, because we’re dead if they knew-
So close your eyes… escape this town for a little while.
Oh, Oh.

Cause you were Romeo – I was a scarlet letter,
And my daddy said “stay away from Juliet” -
but you were everything to me-
I was begging you, please don’t go-
And I said…

Romeo take me somewhere, we can be alone.
I’ll be waiting; all there’s left to do is run.
You’ll be the prince and I’ll be the princess.
It’s a love story, baby, just say yes-

Romeo save me, they’re trying to tell me how to feel.
This love is difficult, but it’s real.
Don’t be afraid, we’ll make it out of this mess.
It’s a love story, baby, just say yes.
Oh, Oh.

I got tired of waiting.
Wondering if you were ever coming around.
My faith in you was fading-
When I met you on the outskirts of town.
And I said…

Romeo save me, I’ve been feeling so alone.
I keep waiting, for you but you never come.
Is this in my head, I don’t know what to think-
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said…

Marry me Juliet, you’ll never have to be alone.
I love you, and that’s all I really know.
I talked to your dad — go pick out a white dress
It’s a love story, baby just say… yes.
Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh.

’cause we were both young when i first saw you

That’s all I really know.
We’ll see where we go :]

Note to Self

It’s pretty apparent: I need to get myself back on track.  And this Tuesday of all Tuesdays, feels quite fit for the job.  I’m setting new goals and still persuing the old ones a’course!  I don’t know why I feel so optimistic.  Maybe I’ve just been struck with ‘happy’ over the past few days, in large dozes too!   Well, that’s all I really want to touch on.  I just feel better and it feels good.

“Life Is A Highway”, fo’ life!

110 @ February

So I’ve noticed that my drafts are piling up once again.  I don’t really feel like continuing them at the moment, I just feel like writing this one, then getting to bed.

“I miss you,” my prince tells me
My eyes sting with images I’ve never seen.
“I want you,” my prince tells me
Tears stream down my cheeks.

The object of my affection,
The object of his desire
Love is painful, isn’t it?
But one touch isn’t enough.

Goodnight.  I have a busy day tomorrow.

“I Want You”

Your kiss pressed on my lips,
The pulse of your chest when we sleep
I want to keep everything.
Your fingers locked in mine,
The sound of the words you speak
It all becomes a symphony.

I want you.

Your tragic eyes that look into mine,
The longing in every “good-bye” we leave
I want to keep everything.
Your smile when we’re laughing,
The feeling that I can barely describe
It all becomes music to me.

My heart sings to you,
Though the words are too soft to hear
I composed them according to your melody,

I want you,
Sing with me

The lyrics become affection to a lonely ear.

“A Little Bit Blue Miwako”

“This is a little bit blue Caroline.”

I don’t want to talk about school anymore.  Every time I think about what I want to do, I get worried.  That leads me to getting distracted, then I start considering so many other alternatives.  Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  It wouldn’t be so troublesome if I didn’t get so confused.  Because it’s not just all about academics anymore.  It’s about my life and what direction it’s ultimately going to go in.

I’ve been reading through The Secret, which I surprisingly find very similar to my own personal beliefs, and I like it so much.  Every word of it is pretty uplifting and puts you into that optimistic mood.  The overall message states how any person can live the life they want just by simply wanting it (and also by the law of attraction.)

And I definitely believe in the law of attraction.  It’s brought beautiful things into existance.  Or at least, it’s brought them to my attention.

So to start off small:  I just want to get hot cocoa tomorrow.

It’ll make me happy because it’ll make me feel like the first plans are still in action.  I’ve been so blue lately, because I know that things are going to be different eventually.  I just want to be happy, this kind of happy, for as long as I can.

I miss him already.

Love is Spoiled.

I’ve already kissed paradise
And though the taste begins to sting my lips,
I want more.

You’ve created an alternate reality
A reflection of a fantasy,
I had yet to dream.

Like a doll, I paint on my image
Dressed only in promises,
That you have made to me.

I’ve already seen the damage
And though the images are blurred in my eyes,
I want more.

We’ve created a passion
The bitter nights turned sweet.
I was waiting to feel you,
I was waiting to feel something.

Awkwardly refreshing?

It’s a strange feeling, talking to someone from elementary school.  Especially since we’re all college kids now.

There’s a lot of things that are weighing on my mind, but I’m too tired to write about them.